What I Wore: To Boost My Inner Body Confidence

You know I’m fond of a swimsuit, or twenty, and this year’s vacation played host to some amazing creations.  Every year I top up my collection but for the last few years I’ve always come back to this particular favourite of mine.  Now I have to say first off that I’m actually the biggest and heaviest I’ve been since I was pregnant 11 years ago, so body confidence for me is at an all time low.  I’ve been plagued with injury through boxing and have had treatment after treatment in an attempt to fix it, followed by some cosmetic scar revision surgery, which means I’ve been out of the gym and unable to train for almost a full year.  I can’t use this as an excuse because I’ve been incredibly lazy and my usually disciplined regime has evaporated entirely only to be replaced with the lifestyle of a sloth.  I am literally the definition of the phrase “your own worst enemy”.

Anyway, our vacation rolled around and I got on the plane, even with all my extra bulk it stayed in the air and got us all the way to Mahon safely; thanks for that Jet 2.  On Day 1 I felt like a whale and didn’t want to be seen on the beach in a swimsuit.  Now I know what y’all are thinking, you might look at my pictures and think they look ok but I’ve lived with Orthorexia for a very, very long time, I recovered and took up boxing which meant again I had to live a very regimented lifestyle which actually works pretty well for me.  Today I’m 3st 6lbs heavier than I was at this time last year, and 4st heavier than I was in December 2015 which is when I was at my peak in fighting terms.  It’s hard for me to look back at that and know that I’m responsible for what I’ve done to my body.

Before I left the UK for Menorca I already knew the situation but I decided that I would try to be body positive, something that I found incredibly difficult to feel about myself, despite having the utmost admiration for women like Tess Holliday who are championing the body positive movement right now.  I felt and still do feel like there’s something off with me for feeling this way and know that I will have to rap my own ass and pull myself back from the brink of idiocy.

But we’re not here to talk about that, not yet anyway.  I’m collaborating with a big brand on a body positive campaign so I’ll tell you all about that another time.  This one is a sort of outfit post and it’s one that’s dedicated to my favourite swimsuit.  The one that makes me feel like Beyonce.  That’s because it’s the same famous Bulls swimsuit as worn by Queen Bey herself in the video for Feelin’ Myself.  It’s not technically a swimsuit, it’s a custom made leotard, it’s pretty delicate, and it’s not really designed to be worn in the ocean or pool like mine has been.

I’ve had this Bulls swimsuit for almost three years now and it’s still kicking, it’s been worn in the pool, the sea, been covered in Coca-Cola and generally more battered than it probably should have been.  It’s a powerful swimsuit in more ways than one, it makes me feel invincible and when I wear it i become the proud owner of a ‘Fuck It’ attitude.  When I didn’t feel confident this swimsuit, this small piece of fabric gave me back some self control and made me realise that it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside if you just counter your doubt with two little words.  FUCK IT.

Yeah, it’s just a Bulls leotard.  A fucking expensive handmade one with genuine Bulls jersey trim that stretches like a bitch giving birth to quadruplets when you tug at it but it’s my leotard and I think it might be the root of my power.  Like Samson’s power was in his hair, it’s true that something external to your being can make you feel better and bring out your feisty alter ego.

Fist bump bitches.

Pixie xo

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